


forever, it's yours

by aloistrancy



Category: South Park
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, i would die for clyde donovan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 02:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11393307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloistrancy/pseuds/aloistrancy
Summary: Clyde Donovan had changed but so had everyone else. This is the triumphant return from the dark side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> will i ever stop writing cryde??? i literally would die for clyde donovan. the self harm and suicidal thoughts is past tense but still present. trigger warning: this is a south park fic dfkjvhfgu

Senior year was the start of something strange, well strange enough for South Park. Everyone broke out of their friend group molds and formed new ones. Clyde Donovan, Park County’s resident football star, slipped easily through the cracks. For three years he’d been the most popular boy in school and the football teams greatest asset. At least since Stan Marsh decided football wasn’t good for the planet or some gay shit. Clyde’s absence from parties meant there were never enough people to keg stand and always an abundance of leftover beer. Clyde hadn’t intended to disconnect from everyone, after his mother’s death things got difficult for him to handle. In the physical sense he was fine but mentally (which was something you didn’t talk about in South Park) he was deteriorating rapidly. Clyde was no stranger to depression and as a child he often thought his feelings of hopelessness were a reflection of his mental health. As a teenager he knew that’s what it was, after his mother’s death Clyde had never known he could feel so doomed. Doomed to be nothing more than a basket case who never moved on from his mother’s death. So he distanced himself from his friends; Craig, Token, Tweek, and, Jason. This was the group of friends he’d spent every single day with for the first three years of high school. After Clyde spent the summer ignoring them he wasn’t surprised on the first day when none of them even looked up at Clyde when he slipped into the cafeteria. Eric Cartman was the only person who acknowledged Clyde and waved him over. Eric triumphantly headed their table which Butters, Kenny, and, Jimmy sat around. Well, Clyde could work with this he’d been cool with all these guys since middle school. 

Half way through the year Clyde had learned they weren’t completely awful. Eric Cartman for all of his bigoted hatred was nice to Clyde in some strange sense. He had saved Clyde from the embarrassment of eating on his own at the beginning of the year. Butter’s was sweet in his own annoying, passive aggressive way. Kenny was mostly silent but he was nice to look at so Clyde didn’t mind. And of course he and Jimmy shared way too many common interests, mostly teenage hormone driven ones which Kenny often shared as well. 

“You look like complete shit.” Eric commented offhandedly as he pointed at Clyde with his piece of pizza. “Are you starving yourself like a chick?” He snorted as he posed the question but Clyde didn’t miiss the way Kenny glanced at him with worry. When had these assholes started to care for him? 

“Does it look like I am?” Clyde asked as he sat down and kicked at Kenny’s ankle under the table. He hoped it would subside his friends very obvious worry etched on his face. Clyde knew he wasn’t allowed to be under a certain weight if he wanted to remain in his weight class. Yet on more than one occasion Clyde couldn’t get out of bed to nourish his body like he should have been. But he wasn’t going to share this with his friends. 

“You’re all gaunt in the face.” Butters chirped from his spot next to Jimmy. “Here, you should have this.” He smiled kindly as he slid his tray over to offer Clyde the other half of his sandwich. It wasn’t like Cyde couldn’t afford to buy lunch, he had been working part time at the movie theater for two years now, he just didn’t want to. It was self destructive by nature but Clyde’s mind encouraged such behavior. 

“Thanks Butters.” Clyde reached out for the sandwich and brought it to his lips. How had his mind become such a mess? The little voice inside his head told him not to and Clyde tried to argue that he had to eat, that he wouldn’t have a psychotic little voice to listen to if he didn’t. After a tentative small bite he turned his attention to the sudden commotion two tables over. Clyde wasn’t surprised to see Craig at Tweek’s throat. Hadn’t they always been that way? He watched uninterested before Eric was over there egging on a fight. And of course they clobbered the hell out of each other, for what? Clyde wasn’t certain because all he could make out was the obscenities they cursed at one another. He watched along with the rest of the cafeteria as he finished the half of Butter’s sandwich. Something in his chest ached suddenly when Tweek’s fist crunched against Craig’s face. Perhaps it was a lovers quarrel, Clyde hadn’t exactly been up to date on Craig and those guys, especially since he was no longer one of those guys. The ache in his chest twinged to something sour and he wished he could just go back to feeling nothing. It was the first time in a long time that he felt something other than nothing, a deep emptiness that had taken over his life. If he had known all it would take was one of his former friends getting a bloody lip he’d have instigated a fight a long time ago.

“You’re a fucking idiot and everything bad happens to you because you deserve it! You lost him because you’re a self centered prick and we all know it!” For once in his life Tweek hadn’t stuttered or screamed. Clyde was almost impressed. Craig said nothing and scoffed before he ran out of the cafeteria, just as the principal walked in. Something inside Clyde told him to follow Craig, maybe it was the little voice that always wanted him to get hurt. Against his better judgement (which he had lacked recently) he pushed himself up and followed after Craig. What was he going to do? What would he even say to him? They didn’t know each other anymore. It wasn’t hard to find Craig, maybe Clyde knew him after all, behind the football field and hunched under the bleachers. Craig was sucking on a cigarette like his life depended on it and maybe it did now. 

“What happened?” Clyde asked softly as he tentatively stepped through the weeds. Craig visibly flinched and looked even angrier than before. “Did you and Tweek break up?” Were they still even dating? Clyde had no idea but his mouth wouldn’t stop churning out questions. 

“Did I break up with Tweek?” Craig repeated the question back at Clyde. The cigarette was flicked onto the ground and Craig crowded into Clyde’s space. His long, nimble fingers gripped the front of Clyde’s plaid shirt (he’d stopped wearing his letterman jacket last year). “Who the fuck are you even? What happened to you?” 

Clyde was confused for a moment, wasn’t this about Craig? He quickly recovered and shook his head. “You’re bleeding.” It was all that registered in his brain at the moment. His dark eyed narrowed in on the split lip and he wanted to reach up and dab at the wounded flesh. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Craig didn’t loosen his grip and he put all of his weight (which wasn’t much) into the way he pushed Clyde against the fence. “Who are you?” He repeated himself. Clyde had heard him the first time but he wasn’t sure what it meant. He was Clyde, at least he used to be. 

“Craig. You’re hurt.” Clyde didn’t have time for Craig’s rhetorical questions. He pulled the sleeve of his shirt down over his hand and reached up to press it softly to Craig’s lips. “Why did you fight with Tweek?” 

“Because of you.” Craig admitted. Clyde wrinkled his nose but he wasn’t sure if it was because Craig’s breath smelled of cigarettes or the subject at hand. “He was saying some bullshit. Saying I pushed you away from us but you left.” 

“You’re right. You shouldn’t have fought.” Clyde murmured with a lack of interest that pissed Craig off. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you get a lobotomy?” Craig asked as he let his hands creep onto Clyde’s shoulder. It was easier to move him this way. His fingers were pressed hard through Clyde’s shirt and he didn’t care if he left bruises. All he wanted to know was who this was and where his best friend had gone. 

“No Craig.” Clyde shook his head as he stared at him blankly. If Craig had a heart he was certain the sight before him would break it. This was Clyde Donovan after all. His best friend who was the world's biggest cry baby and kept his heart on his sleeve for the world to see. How had someone once so full of life and happiness been reduced to this?

“You’re so sad.” Craig whispered then. His tone was annoyed as he spoke it. “What the fuck.” If Clyde were a little more observant he would have noticed the way Craig’s eyes watered. Before he could deny the accusation Craig had pressed his face into Clyde’s neck. Now it was Clyde’s turn to whisper, ‘what the fuck’, because seriously. Clyde was confused but he easily wrapped his arms around his taller friend. The position was only a little bit awkward with their differences in height. 

“I’m fine.” Clyde murmured softly. It wasn’t true, he wasn’t fine and he was very much not okay. But Craig couldn’t see the cut beneath his sleeves, the ones beneath his jeans that Clyde scared himself with. He’d never thought he’d be like one of those embarrassing emo kids. Clyde decided he didn’t care how much of a fucking loser he was when he drove the blade into his skin over and over. “Everything is fine.” 

“You’re such a fucking liar. Stop acting like I don’t know who you were.” Craig shook his head as he pulled away. Clyde took in the sight of him then. The way his dark, straight brows sat furrowed on his face. How his thin pale lips were pursed in something akin to annoyance Clyde was sure. His nose, crooked from so many fights, scrunched up as he pulled the strangest most unlike Craig face Clyde had ever seen. “Clyde Donovan right? Idiot who lived for a keg stand, who would make out with anyone who gave you attention? That’s who you were. A moron but a fun one and my best friend.” Craig rubbed a hand across his face and Clyde noticed the way his nails were painted with black nail polish. Clyde tried to focus but his mind was always a hazy mess. 

“And you’re Craig Tucker. My best friend who fucks way too many of his friends.” Clyde murmured as he let his head tip back against the fence. “Just because we knew each other doesn’t mean we still do.” 

“Obviously.” Craig agreed as he took a step back. Clyde watched him fumble to pull out another cigarette and press it between his lips. “Let’s skip.” 

Let’s skip? Clyde squinted at Craig as he said it. What were they supposed to talk about? The gears in Clyde’s head began to churn as he shook his head. “And do what?”

“Get to know each other again. I can’t survive the year without you at our table. You’re seriously friends with Cartman?” Craig asked sounding even more annoyed. 

“You’re just as bad as he is.” That wasn’t true. Craig was a much better person, he was just heartless and cold on the outside. Clyde knew it was just a front. 

“I am nothing like that fat fuck.” Craig rolled his eyes as he flicked the ash of his cigarette onto the ground. “Come on. I have my dad's old car. Can you believe that asshole let me have it?” 

“No.” Clyde quickly shook his head. The relationship between Craig and his father was as strained as his own. Clyde’s was just spearheaded by the death of his mother. His own father was distant but Clyde didn’t care, he didn’t want to force warmth to him. Craig started to walk in the direction of the parking lot and for some reason Clyde followed. It had always been like that. He used to think he would follow Craig to the ends of the Earth. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know yet.” Craig admitted as he felt for the keys in the pocket of his denim jacket. Clyde thought he looked like a bit of a dickhead but maybe that’s what he was going for. “Let’s just start driving.” Clyde nodded as he spotted Craig’s car. God, it was a rust bucket. Clyde grinned at the thought of how many drives he got home in it as a child. He couldn’t forget the way Craig had sat next to him and his father lecture him about the news he and Tweek were dating. Craig wore a permanent frown as he let his hand rest over Clyde’s the whole ride home.

“What happened between you and Kenny?” Clyde asked as he opened the passenger side door and got in. “I mean, he’s at our table so obviously something happened.”

“Nothing. I wanted to get back with Tweek. Kenny and I weren’t serious.” Craig admitted as he rolled down the window. “That didn’t work out. Tweek said I was too damaged.” Craig snorted then. Clyde silently agreed with Tweek’s accusation. “Guess that’s what the fight was about. About you.”

Clyde said nothing. He hadn’t talked to any of those guys for half the year he wasn’t certain how he could be the source of a fight. “So, you and Tweek broke up because of me?”

“Nah. We broke up when he caught me texting Kenny for head.” He shrugged nonchalantly. Clyde frowned at that. Why was Craig such a bad person to the people he dated? Clyde never thought he would be that way, bouncing between guys and hurting those around him. Clyde really didn’t know him.

“That sucks dude.” Clyde went for the light hearted route instead of arguing. It wasn’t his business after all. Craig could do whatever and whomever he wanted. “Guess that’s why your nose keeps getting so fucked up huh? Dating the two biggest fighters in school.” He couldn’t help but smile. It was just so like Craig, who loved to fight, to date two others who also did. The three of them were a hot mess and Clyde was silently grateful he hadn’t been part of their group during the dramatics of it all. Clyde was somewhat of a docile person, he hated fighting. That didn’t mean his mouth didn’t get him into trouble often on the field.

“I’m glad you’re around to remind me.” Craig laughed as he glanced into the rearview mirror. It as comfortable silence that filled the space around them. Clyde kept his gaze out the window as Craig drove them through the main street out of town. Very subtle. “What happened to you?”

Clyde side eyed Craig for a moment. Was he being serious? Did he want to get into Clyde’s mental state while driving to Denver? At least that’s where Clyde assumed they were going.

“I don’t know Craig.” Clyde admitted. For once he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint the moment everything felt like it was on a downward spiral. “Everything just seemed to be pointless.” He cringed at his own words. “I don’t know, it’s not that bad.” That was a lie straight through his perfect teeth. On more than one occasion Clyde can remember wondering what it’d be like if he killed himself. The only thing that stopped him was the debt his father would be in after burying him.

“Sounds pretty emo.” Craig remarked as he winked. Clyde didn’t mind that Craig was making light of his situation. Clyde would do it if the tables were turned.

“You look pretty fucking goth.” Clyde grinned as he nodded towards Craig’s painted finger nails. A chipped black middle finger was raised in his direction as Craig laughed happily. “Do you like jerk off and cry to Edgar Allen Poe now?” 

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t.” Craig protested as he pulled into a dingy looking diner’s parking lot.

“Oh so you’re just a poser. Fucking weak, dude.” Clyde smirked as he ran a hand through his dark hair. “This is where you brought me? What a shit hole.”

“Where better to get to know you again than in a diner you might get hepatitis?” Craig asked as he killed the engine and got out of the car. Clyde shrugged at that, he couldn’t argue. Not that he wanted to argue with Craig it was like fighting with a brick wall with high cheek bones. So Clyde followed Craig inside and tried not to point out the spiders in the corners of the ceiling. Craig led them to a booth and ungracefully sat down. Clyde, with much more grace, did the same. 

“Why do you want to know me again?” Clyde broke the ice as he leaned heavily on his elbows. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to continue how we are?”

“No.” Craig countered quickly. “No one gets me like you do.”

Was that the truth? What about Kenny or Tweek? They knew Craig far more intimately than Clyde did. The brunette simply caught Craig’s gaze before the waitress came over and smiled warmly. Clyde ordered a milkshake while Craig ordered coffee and Clyde fought the urge to make fun of him.

“Craig. I don’t know you the best. I haven’t since sophomore year.” Clyde murmured softly as he turned his head towards his friend. “Maybe you should rekindle your shit with Tweek or Kenny. If you can pick one.” And there was an inevitable venom in his tone. It annoyed Clyde to know Craig wasn’t faithful. Sure, it wasn’t his business but it wasn’t right.

“Nah, we’re just friends now. Kinda.” Craig shrugged. Clyde wondered how he cared so little for people he slept with. Clyde could never do that. He’d only ever slept with Bebe and swapped head with Stan Marsh after one sloppy night of drinking. Clyde was still friends with the both of them, he never spoke ill of them. He absolutely would not get into a fist fight with either of them in the cafeteria. “What are you doing tonight? There’s a party at Token’s.”

“I have to work.” Clyde sighed at the thought. “I work until 11, I can come after that.” Clyde knew the parties Token through. They finished at 5AM and everyone crashed on the floor. It was almost a tradition on Friday nights in South Park. Get sloppy drunk at Token Black’s house and hope you somehow made it home.

“I can pick you up from work and we can drive together?” Craig asked. Clyde was a little cautious because why was Craig acting like they were very best friends again? “If that’s okay.”

Clyde just nodded as he sipped his milkshake. “That sounds good.” No it didn’t. He was always so much worse when he drank. Was he really ready for Craig to see that side of him? Might as well go full tilt crazy just as Craig came back into his life.

“So, Cartman and Butters? What is that?” Craig asked curiously as he took a sip of his black coffee. God, he was such a douche bag. Clyde only smirked at the question and shook his head.

“It’s more like Butters and Kenny.” Clyde had observed it. Their tables dynamic was strange. Mostly because it was always Clyde and Jimmy observing the weirdest shit known to man.

“Oh really?” Craig asked. Clyde didn’t miss the way his voice rose.

“Jealous?” Clyde asked in amusement. His dark brows raised in silent question.

“Of what? Kenny gave me the clap.” Craig stuck his tongue out. “I had no idea everyone liked dick so much. It’s shocking. Thankfully you still preserve heterosexuality.”

Clyde rolled his eyes then. “I don’t.” He scowled. “Don’t assume everything about me, you don’t know me.” He reminded Craig. That had always been something that bothered Clyde. And the more he delved into his own mind he learned things about himself. No matter how he appeared to others, he was never what they thought he was.

“Seriously? Who?” Craig’s eyes seemed to light up then. It was the most expression he’d seen on him in a while. Today was apparently the day Craig Tucker broke the mold of himself.

“Stan Marsh. I was drunk, for the record.” Clyde explained quickly. Craig’s face contorted to something akin of annoyance.

“Stan Marsh? The most annoying, hippy fucker in town?” Craig tilted his head in question.

“You sound just like Cartman.” Clyde laughed softly.


	2. Chapter 2

The movie theatre was always busy on Friday nights, it seemed to be designated date night in South Park. He saw every set of parents he’d ever known, except of course his dad. As the last movie let out Clyde swept up the floor and waved goodbye to the people he recognized. After he’d put the broom away he spotted Craig slinking in like he didn’t belong. He always had that strange air to him ever since they were kids. He looked handsome though and Clyde scolded himself for having the thought.

“You look like a bootleg Edward Scissorhands.” Clyde laughed as he pulled his hideous uniform off and folded it up. “The hair and everything.” He motioned to Craig’s messy black hair that seemed to stick out in all directions.

“Shut the fuck up Clyde. I fell asleep.” Craig laughed softly. “Ready to blow this shit hole?” He asked as he glanced around. Clyde only looked offended for a moment before he nodded. Clyde had been looking forward to the party his entire shift. Mostly because the desire to be drunk outweighed anything else he may be feeling.

The ride to Token’s was quiet, everything the two of them did now was quiet. Whereas Clyde used to be the mouthpiece he was a quiet observer now. The Black residence was just as grand as Clyde remembered. The absence of cars in the driveway explained everything and Clyde grinned wickedly. He felt a little bit more human the closer he stepped into the house. Craig parked on the street and Clyde could feel the bass the second he stepped out of the car.

“God if I see anyone I’ve fucked.” Craig muttered as he sided up to Clyde.

“You’ve fucked about half the town Craig.” Clyde reminded. He pointedly ignore the sour taste in his mouth. Even in middle school he’d been jealous of Tweek. For as long as he could he told himself he was jealous because the attention wasn’t on him. He stuck to that for years. But with Clyde by his side he pondered the thought a little more. Clyde felt more today than he’d felt in the last year and it terrified him. Because admitting that it was because of Craig was almost too much to stomach.

“True.” Craig agreed as he opened the front door. The place was packed with every single teenager in South Park. Probably some from the town over by the looks of it. It already smelled like weed and sweat and Clyde couldn’t help but feel a little more homey at how familiar it was. He’d been to hundreds of these parties in this very home. Why had he ever stopped? Because he didn’t want to face Craig? Or perhaps he just didn’t want to face Craig and whoever would be hanging off of him that weekend.

“Clyde Donovan!” A deep voice boomed over the music somehow. Clyde turned and face Token himself. A wide grin spread across his face as he was wrapped up in a big hug. God, he’d missed this guy. “How the fuck have you been? Finally coming back to the light side?” He all but cackled as he pulled back but didn’t let go. Clyde smiled at how much he smelled like Fireball.

“Yes Token, please take me back.” Clyde grinned. He felt drunk off the atmosphere alone. From Clyde’s side Craig cheered loudly. His arms were around Clyde’s shoulders easily from behind, his height an easy advantage in this position.

“You’re always welcome here Clyde. Please come back so Stan and Kyle leave they’re so fucking annoying and bitchy.” Token frowned. Clyde could only laugh loudly in his friend's face as he nodded. He’d missed this so much. Before he could say anything else their groups only blonde approached them looking far too sheepish.

“Hey guys can I steal Craig for a s-second?” Tweek asked. Clyde felt jealousy surge within him. The sight of Tweek’s black eye did little to placate it. Clyde remained glued to Token as he felt Craig pull away. Well that wasn’t his business after all was it? Token finally slid his arm around Clyde’s shoulders and lead him towards the kitchen.

“I’m so happy you’re back to us.” Token pressed his mouth to Clyde’s ear. “I guess their fight had something to do with it. Since it’s been about ten hours since then.” He laughed as he pulled away. In the kitchen there was booze, a lot of it and Clyde’s eyes lit up. Token chuckled at Clyde’s expression as he played bartender. “I know this shit doesn’t mix but try it. Fireball and Dr.Pepper is wicked.” He poured the contents into a classic red solo cup before he held it out to Clyde.

“Clyde!” Another voice chirped from the doorway. He took the drink quickly and Bebe was barrelling towards him. “Fucking hell, how have you been?”

It was like a homecoming but he’d never left. All this time he thought his friends didn’t care. He thought they so easily moved on and didn’t feel his absence. It made him feel selfish now. Had he become a recluse for attention? The voice in his head said otherwise and reminded him of the cuts on his skin. That was something he didn’t have to think about tonight.

“Jesus Bebe!” Clyde yelled happily after he’d taken a mouthful of the concoction down. “You look hot where’s your girlfriend?” He asked her as he wrapped her up in a tight hug. On cue in walked Wendy. She looked suspicious at first but as Clyde pulled away she filled the spot and hugged him quickly. The two of them had never been close but she was still a part of his life.

For the majority of the night Clyde tried his best to feel like a teenager again. Token continued to make him drinks, he danced with Bebe and Wendy all night until Stan Marsh tapped on his shoulder.

“Hey Clyde.” He smiled warmly. Clyde was panting at this point, his hair plastered to his forehead. “Can I talk to you?” Too drunk to have a cohesive thought Clyde only nodded. Bebe patted him roughly on the back as he let Stan lead him to the backyard. He hadn’t even spoken to Stan since he sucked his dick in sophomore year.

“What’s up Stanley?” Clyde asked very obviously drunk. He steadied himself on the porch railing as he grinned at the black haired teen. “You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah. Uhm about last year. I kinda felt like things got weird between us. Did things get weird between us?” Stan questioned as he nervously chewed at his thumb nail.

“What? No we were never super best friends. Have you been thinking about this for so long?” Clyde asked curiously. “There’s no hard feelings between us. Sorry about using your dick as practice though.” 

“Sorry for using you as an emotional outlet.” Stan apologized. Clyde could only laugh loudly as he shook his head. This was such a stupid conversation there was little else he could do. This as the strangest exchange he’d had in awhile, him and Stan Marsh apologizing to each other’s dicks. 

“Wanna get back in there and do some shots?” Clyde asked softly as he tried not to laugh. He was too drunk and this was too funny. 

“Yes, more than anything.” Stan laughed as he wrapped his arm around Clyde’s shoulder’s. It seemed all night people had been keeping a reassuring hand on him, guiding him. It was a sweet thought in Clyde’s alcohol soaked brain. He leaned heavily against Stan as the two of them staggered into the kitchen in search of more alcohol. Like they needed it. Stan handed Clyde the bottle first and he tipped his head back to drink from it before he held it out to the other. 

“That tastes like pure poison.” Clyde laughed loudly.

“Oh you’re so stingy Clyde it tastes good.” Was everyone going to interrupt him all night? Kenny’s grin was contagious though, it always had been. He snagged the bottle from Stan and the three of them stood in a strange, sloppy triangle.

“Hey Kenny?” Clyde giggled as he turned his attention onto Kenny. “Did you really-” He leaned in close to whisper into Kenny’s ear. “Did you give Craig the clap?” He asked through a giggle fit. Kenny just stared at him and reached out to pinch Clyde under the hem of his shirt.

“That didn’t happen. I would have remembered.” Kenny chuckled as he listened to Clyde yelp. Clyde pouted as he took the bottle once more and swallowed a mouthful. He started to feel a little woozy, it was a great indication he had drank too much. Before he could deny anything else from entering his body Token pressed a blunt between his lips. He had really incredible friends.

“This one’s specially rolled for Clyde’s incredible return.” Token announced loudly to which everyone around them cheered. Clyde laughed loudly as he exhaled before he passed the blunt back to Token. It was passed between himself, Kenny, Stan, and Token. It was a strange little group they’d formed over the evening.

“Where’s Craig?” Kenny finally asked. And it was like Clyde suddenly remembered who he’d come with tonight. Clyde glared at Kenny momentarily as he wondered why he wanted to know. Clyde needed to gain some self control, maybe tomorrow. Clyde took one more hit off the blunt before he told the group he’d go on the hunt for the lost Tucker. The downfall to parties at Token’s house was that it was fucking huge and Clyde was absolutely smashed. He started in the basement but all he found were the goth kids and one of Token’s parents strange ancient statues. 

“Don’t summon any gods!” Clyde yelled as he went back up the stairs. Onto the second floor Clyde very giggly and slowly opened each door. Most filled with people he didn’t recognize until he came to the second to last door and Bebe and Wendy were inside. 

“Hey you guys need anything? Snacks? An audience?” Clyde asked through laughter. Bebe very pointedly flipped him off over her shoulder not once breaking the kiss with her girlfriend. Clyde wished he was that slick. “Let me know if you kids need anything, I love ya!” He chirped as he shut the door behind himself. Finally the master bedroom door, Clyde had no idea who would be so sketchy as to ruin the purity of Token’s parents room. Quickly he swung open the door and took in the sight before him, which was a little bit confusing. It was undoubtedly Craig, Clyde would know that even if he hadn’t spotted his shirt on the floor. Beneath him must have been Tweek if those strange noises were any indication. 

“Hey guys.” Clyde leaned against the door he just opened. He was too drunk to gauge any sort of proper human interaction. “Can you two like come down to the party? Also hey didn’t you two just fight this morning? Is Tweek’s dick that great? Doesn’t his jizz taste like coffee?” Clyde continued to talk out loud finally getting Craig’s attention. As the blonde poked their head around Clyde saw that it was very much not Tweek. 

“Bradley? You little mint berry crunch gaywad?” Clyde furrowed his brow as he crossed his arms over his chest. Craig was quick to get up and come to Clyde’s side.

“You’re fucking smashed huh? I was just helping Bradley calm down from a panic attack, dickweed.” Craig grinned as he leaned in and smelled the booze and pot on his clothes. “Jealous?”

It was like deja vu from the diner this morning.

“Did you help him by grinding on him? What the fuck was that?” Clyde asked annoyed. Bradley looked embarrassed, his pink face a huge give away.

“Just a little bit.” Craig grinned as Bradley scurried past the two of them. “Why did you stop talking to me Clyde?” 

“Because you were a hot mess.” Clyde muttered as he crossed his arms over his chest. There couldn’t be two. Clyde had left their group for selfish reasons. Mostly related to his mental health and very obviously because his low self esteem. “I couldn’t handle it while I was going through some bullshit.” 

“Hot mess? The Tweek and Kenny shit?” Craig asked as he let his hands creep onto Clyde’s waist. Clyde stilled at the touch. Why was Craig touching him?

“I cut myself.” Clyde muttered before he could stop himself. Why had he said that? He didn’t want Craig’s pity. 

“You what?” Craig asked. As he spoke his hands tightened on Clyde’s waist. “Why would you do that to yourself?” And there was the tone Clyde never wanted to hear directed towards him. It was worse than Craig’s usual bored tone. It was scared. Clyde had never heard fear from Craig. He was always so cold and only showed people his disinterested side. Did Craig get scared?

“Well- I wanted to die.” The alcohol really did encourage Clyde to keep talking. “I tried to do it before but my dad came home.” He admitted through a laugh. Had he really become so pathetic? To spill his guts to Craig smelling like weed and Fireball. “I didn’t know if my life insurance would cover my funeral costs though.” It was so morbid. Craig looked rightfully appalled and Clyde frowned. 

“Don’t ever stop talking to me again.” Craig whispered fiercely as he leaned in and propped his chin on Clyde’s head. “Nothing like that is allowed to happen.” He shook his head. “You can’t leave me here in this shithole town alone.”

Clyde felt his eyes prick with tears. He hadn’t cried in over a year now. It was almost a foreign feeling to him now as he pressed his face into Craig’s neck. There was nothing to say he only felt pathetic.

“Come on.” Craig was quick to grab onto Clyde’s wrist as he began to head downstairs.

“Where are we going?” Clyde asked as he suddenly felt extremely sober. They were able to sneak out with only a singular look of worry from Token. Clyde didn’t feel worried though, Craig wouldn’t do anything to hurt him ever.

“Just trust me.” Craig said as he let go of Clyde’s hand and went over to the driver's side of his car. Clyde got in the passenger's side and did his best to remain silent. The atmosphere was strange and as Craig pulled into the cemetery Clyde felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“What are you doing?” He panicked quickly as he glanced over at Craig.

“Therapy. South Park style.” Craig muttered as he sloppily parked his car and got out. “Where the fuck is your mom at?” 

Clyde was slow to get out, his legs suddenly felt like jelly. There were two main roads in the cemetery, his mom was on the left. He nodded in that direction and Craig grabbed onto his hand once more, the only thing that calmed Clyde down was their laced fingers. It was so unlike Craig to be this warm to Clyde.

“Why are we here?” Clyde asked close to tears again. Jesus, he hadn’t cried in a year how had he done it twice in one day? Craig didn’t answer him as he continued to squint to read the headstones before he stood before a modest headstone with dead flowers in front of it.

“Tell her she’s a bitch. You’re a bitch.” Craig shouted at the headstone. Craig wasn’t wrong. Clyde leaned against Craig as he stared down at the headstone. Betsy Donovan. Was this really all because of her death? Could Clyde blame it all on her? Of course not but he could blame his feelings of self doubt and hopelessness on it. 

“You’re a bitch mom.” Clyde laughed. Suddenly he felt drunk again. “I tried to kill myself. Thank god I didn’t cause I’d have to come see you.” He laughed once more and he felt Craig nose as his cheek. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he stared at the mossy headstone. It’s what she deserved, dead flowers and overgrowth. Slowly he lifted his middle finger to the heavens in a very Craig Tucker fashion.


	3. Chapter 3

Clyde finally got to taste Craig’s mouth that night. Craig insisted they go to Clyde’s to spend the night and covered it up by saying he wanted to make sure Clyde didn’t throw up in his sleep and die. Things quickly escalated to Craig pushing Clyde onto his back. He hovered over his best friend and felt close to tears. How could there ever be a world where Clyde Donovan hadn’t existed the same time he did? Craig didn’t want to imagine that world so he leaned down and pressed their mouths together. 

“If you’re hurting tell me.” Craig whispered as he pulled back and let his hands slide up Clyde’s shirt. Clyde stopped him then, his hands pushing Craig’s away.

“Don’t.” Clyde shook his head. Craig sat on Clyde’s hips and stared down at him.

“Don’t be scared of what you think I think.” Craig argued though his tone was soft. Clyde looked so much like a cornered animal beneath him it made Craig’s heart clench. “I think you’re perfect. You’ve always been perfect. Stupid fucking straight teeth, jock extraordinaire. Where’s the overconfidence we all know?” He asked through a small laugh. Craig watched the tension leave Clyde’s body. He smiled as he pushed Clyde’s shirt up and though the sight of self harm was obvious he couldn’t help but smile at Clyde’s body. There was no denying it was cute, his muscular arms from football and his soft little tummy from tacos. God Craig wanted to press his face there, so he did.

“You’re so cute.” Craig muttered as he nosed at Clyde’s happy trail. When he lifted his head he could see the tears shining on Clyde’s “Hey. Hey what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. I’m happy.” Clyde breathed out slowly. “I’m just so fucking happy.” Craig felt a little breathless as he stared down at Clyde. Had he always been this beautiful? Had Craig ever thought anyone was beautiful before? He recalled calling Tweek cute and Kenny hot but beautiful? That was all Clyde. 

“You’re so gay.” Craig laughed softly as he reached up to wipe at Clyde’s damp cheeks. That seemed to make Clyde cry more but he tipped his head back and laughed and Craig knew it was happiness. 

“Please shut up.” Clyde whispered as he tipped his head to the side and smiled. Over the past year Craig had watched Clyde deteriorate from afair. That smile was so perfect and deserved a permanent residence on Clyde’s face. Craig listened and tipped his head down, his lips brushing over the razor thin cuts on Clyde’s forearms. He wasn’t about to get all preachy and tell Clyde never to do it again, no Clyde could make that decision on his own. All he wanted to do was make sure Clyde knew Craig cared about him.

“I’m really trying but something about you just has the words spilling out of my mouth.” Craig smirked as he pressed his lips to Clyde’s soft stomach. Craig didn’t miss the way Clyde rolled his eyes. 

“Who’s the gaywad now?” Clyde asked with pink cheeks. Obviously he’d like what Craig had said but he couldn’t explicitly say that. As Clyde lay there with a swollen alcohol brain he couldn’t help but wonder if Craig would treat him like he treats everyone else he fucks around with. So he pulled Craig up into a soft kiss, his legs sliding around his waist. All Clyde wanted to do was keep him there he wasn’t exactly sure how. The only thing to halt Clyde’s actions was the sudden taste of copper in his mouth. 

“Oh fuck I’m not pulling a Stan fucking Marsh.” Clyde yelled as he pushed Craig off of him and sprinted to the bathroom. As he threw up in the bathroom and cursed the mixture of Fireball and Greygoose he could hear Craig laughing from the other room. “Stop laughing! I could have thrown up in your fucking mouth.” 

“How romantic.” Craig muttered as he got up and followed Clyde into the bathroom. He bent down behind him and ran his hands across his bare back. Clyde felt like a bag of shit as he threw up his stomach contents into the toilet. 

“It’s like I don’t remember drinking this much.” Clyde whined as let his head drop.

“You did. You really did. Everyone was hyping your return and you relished in being the center of attention, where you belong.” Craig chuckled as he pressed a soft kiss to Clyde’s shoulder. “You’re great at being Clyde Donovan.” 

“I would hope so that’s who the fuck I am.” Clyde groaned as he began to throw up again. “You’re kinda shit at being Craig Tucker, fucking everything that moves? I mean classic but you’re ruining all your friendships.” 

“I’m not going to ruin this if that’s what you’re worried about.” Craig murmured. Finally Clyde wiped his hand across his mouth and flushed the toilet. 

“That’s not what I was worried about.” Clyde argued as he faced Craig once more. Momentarily he was self conscious about the state of his breath, then realized this was Craig and he didn’t care. 

“Yes it was.” Craig grinned as he drummed his fingertips along Clyde’s knee. “You know that gay emo song you always listen to? The one that goes, ‘say my name it’s yours forever’ or whatever the fuck. Say my name.” 

“That song about cheating.” 

“Say it.” Craig repeated quickly as he shot Clyde a glare. Why was this boy so difficult? Very cute and very soft but difficult.

“Craig.” Clyde mumbled as he finally met Craig’s gaze. “You’re an idiot.” 

“Still said it. Guess I win.” Craig smirked as he pressed both his palms to Clyde’s knees and leaned over to kiss him. “God you taste like puke.” 

“You don’t taste much better.” Clyde scoffed. Craig drag Clyde back into his bed and didn’t try to fuck him that night. He was content to just lay next to him to watch him fall asleep and be completely vulnerable. Craig wondered if Clyde ever slept in front of anyone more. If he ever let anyone see him like this. Sure Clyde was an infamous cry baby but that had all changed. Craig had watched it change. Maybe Clyde was just beneath the surface and all he needed was Craig to pull that side of him back out.

“Come back cry baby, I’ll be here.”


End file.
